This morning I can hear my husband getting ready for church ,What a huge blessing.This morning he reached for me and put his arms around me I can't tell you how good that made me feel .The doctors said he wouldn't show me much affection,but here he was asking for 5 more minutes before I go get our daily coffee.
I am Blessed to have him here and I know that God will restore because the Lord doesn't do things half way.He still doesn't like to leave the house or when I do .
A man called from Family life and as I was talking began to pray with me for Bill what a nice surprise. The lord is so faithful I cannot complain .it was a very rough week I am amazed I walked through actually the Lord carried me.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Hope
Today is Jan 1 2010 ,Yes it is a new year I am Thankful. My children went out last night and I was asked to watch my grandson what a pleasure !!!!
I began to realize I was fading on Hope which is what I have. Satan can steal and destroy but he can't take my praise I have to give that up.That is my birthright as a child of God.
Through all this I have felt Gods protection and him putting His hand down and saying NO FURTHER .
The thing is He does not fail, and I long to be back in Gods house, fellowshipping, singing praise, and hearing His word.I am so hoping to do this Sunday .Bill doesn't like leaving the house or crowds now which makes this difficult for me.
I remembered this morning ,what time I am afraid I will trust in Him meaning God. I have found that I really can trust God . He has been with me every step of the way I only feel overcome with fear when I step back. As i tend to get busy and not meditate on His word or sit quietly in His presence.He does not deserve to be neglected because He has been my closest friend and strong protector consistently, even when I am not consistent. God is good and I will Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me.He is worthy.I do Hope in Him.
I began to realize I was fading on Hope which is what I have. Satan can steal and destroy but he can't take my praise I have to give that up.That is my birthright as a child of God.
Through all this I have felt Gods protection and him putting His hand down and saying NO FURTHER .
The thing is He does not fail, and I long to be back in Gods house, fellowshipping, singing praise, and hearing His word.I am so hoping to do this Sunday .Bill doesn't like leaving the house or crowds now which makes this difficult for me.
I remembered this morning ,what time I am afraid I will trust in Him meaning God. I have found that I really can trust God . He has been with me every step of the way I only feel overcome with fear when I step back. As i tend to get busy and not meditate on His word or sit quietly in His presence.He does not deserve to be neglected because He has been my closest friend and strong protector consistently, even when I am not consistent. God is good and I will Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me.He is worthy.I do Hope in Him.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
In the fire
What a day I was so encouraged and hopeful when I woke up.I knew we had lots to do but thought we would give it a try anyway.After the chiropractor to help relieve Bills neck pain we went to the bank. I was not expecting to get such attitude from the customer service worker WOW. Here I was closing out our retirement fund to fill the payroll account on a uncertain future.When she was so openly upset that closing out this account was a difficult process. (like this is what i want to do) .With tears streaming down my face in the car, and a husband sitting beside me who can't see my tears.(Who otherwise would have held me and assured me we will be okay)
I rode away from there with what made my future a little okay gone, I am terrified at times like these ,I whispered to myself just one more thing I have lost .
I wonder how much will i lose ? my best friend and the person who adored me ? I want to scream stop stop stop It is enough .But each day things are slowly stripped away. How much stripping can I take? when will I feel okay again?When will I feel His arms around me? Will I feel his arms around me?This morning I read blessed are the peace makers Jesus is the prince of peace I wonder will there be peace between me and Bill again?Will he trust me again ?when will his anger at the world be gone?
I feel LiKe I lost a beautiful past hard but nice.There is not a now and my future is gone too.
I know when I pray these things will come back into perspective.Because the Lord is faithful and I will trust in Him.
I rode away from there with what made my future a little okay gone, I am terrified at times like these ,I whispered to myself just one more thing I have lost .
I wonder how much will i lose ? my best friend and the person who adored me ? I want to scream stop stop stop It is enough .But each day things are slowly stripped away. How much stripping can I take? when will I feel okay again?When will I feel His arms around me? Will I feel his arms around me?This morning I read blessed are the peace makers Jesus is the prince of peace I wonder will there be peace between me and Bill again?Will he trust me again ?when will his anger at the world be gone?
I feel LiKe I lost a beautiful past hard but nice.There is not a now and my future is gone too.
I know when I pray these things will come back into perspective.Because the Lord is faithful and I will trust in Him.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
another day
Today is the day the Lord has made,Bill is resting right now which is good.He stays up a lot at night.
I realize what a wonderful husband I have and almost lost. Every morning without fail at 6am he would arrive here with a dunkin donuts coffee.We would then read and pray,Now I am drinking K-cup coffee that tastes like cigarette ashes. I am so missing Bill I ache to just have his strong protective loving company.
He often after we prayed would share his next idea for business or church ministry.We would worship God or pray He was so excited about life whatever he did He would focus.he was so passionate about God about sports ,about people the community.He had strong opinions about politics.
I am blessed that I have Jesus in this place I am trusting he will restore. I am lonely at times
everything stopped at once.My husband was such a friend to others but where is everyone now?
We have one pastor who has been there from the beginning and still checks us now.Even though we have nothing to bring to the table but brokenness and pain.
My husband has poured his life into so many people, I am not bitter I am amazed ,the bible says people fail but God never fails.I still love people I think they don't know what to do .Because I sure don't.
The one thing I do know that the Lord has made this day and will uphold us whatever the days hold.
I realize what a wonderful husband I have and almost lost. Every morning without fail at 6am he would arrive here with a dunkin donuts coffee.We would then read and pray,Now I am drinking K-cup coffee that tastes like cigarette ashes. I am so missing Bill I ache to just have his strong protective loving company.
He often after we prayed would share his next idea for business or church ministry.We would worship God or pray He was so excited about life whatever he did He would focus.he was so passionate about God about sports ,about people the community.He had strong opinions about politics.
I am blessed that I have Jesus in this place I am trusting he will restore. I am lonely at times
everything stopped at once.My husband was such a friend to others but where is everyone now?
We have one pastor who has been there from the beginning and still checks us now.Even though we have nothing to bring to the table but brokenness and pain.
My husband has poured his life into so many people, I am not bitter I am amazed ,the bible says people fail but God never fails.I still love people I think they don't know what to do .Because I sure don't.
The one thing I do know that the Lord has made this day and will uphold us whatever the days hold.
Monday, December 28, 2009
moving forward
This morning I woke up in pain, as I was walking through the grocery store,i felt like the whole world is mocking me.I remembered what a precious old saint said to me Bro Wins .he said if you think you have just climbed a mountain watch out the Sahara desert is on the other side. I remember how I wept when Pastor David Wilkerson's grand daughter went to glory .I have never met them, but if they can walk through storms I can walk through this in Christ.
They never said being a christian would exempt me from trials I may not understand how this happened to a precious man of God. I trust God to walk me through this fire.
My husband woke from the coma able to quote Psalm 1 the whole Psalm.He couldn't say a lot but the word would flow from his lips.We are cast down but not forsaken.
I really lived psalm 23 I could hear the good sheperds staff lightly assuredly tapping the ground to let me know the I Am was with me in this dark place.
They never said being a christian would exempt me from trials I may not understand how this happened to a precious man of God. I trust God to walk me through this fire.
My husband woke from the coma able to quote Psalm 1 the whole Psalm.He couldn't say a lot but the word would flow from his lips.We are cast down but not forsaken.
I really lived psalm 23 I could hear the good sheperds staff lightly assuredly tapping the ground to let me know the I Am was with me in this dark place.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Change
On July 27,2009 my husband was in a motorcycle accident.We were at a sweet spot in life,We had faced many trials in our life.We were hosting a homegroup doing a study with the group.This study was on prayer a DVD series by pastor Jim Cymbala . We were to do the very last lesson how to start a prayer ministry in your church.
You see my life stopped so it seems at this point in time It was 1:15 when I called my husbands cell and the church secretary answered, my heart dropped my breathing was tough .I knew my best friend my partner in ministry was down,I knew He wasn't wearing a helmet and was told he most likely would not make it.
He was flown to Dartmouth medical center in Lebanon NH . I couldn't reach my children who are all adults at this time. Besides my 22 year old son who sat by me speechless.I cried out to the Lord immediately this living God who had never failed me ever.
I was surrounded by family and church members within the next 2 hours.These church members filled the rooms around me ,I couldn't feel the temperature I couldn't feel anything I was numb. I knew these people were here because they loved me but they were the ones that seemed to be taking my breath away.
I couldn't get to my family and so desperately needed to.
The doctor came into the room and said she needed to operate to remove the bone to allow His brain to swell and even then he might die.I had to decide his fate in seconds would i make the right choice or would i ever see him again? would I hear his voice?The one I heard every morning reading to me from the bible and praying with me every morning?
You see my life stopped so it seems at this point in time It was 1:15 when I called my husbands cell and the church secretary answered, my heart dropped my breathing was tough .I knew my best friend my partner in ministry was down,I knew He wasn't wearing a helmet and was told he most likely would not make it.
He was flown to Dartmouth medical center in Lebanon NH . I couldn't reach my children who are all adults at this time. Besides my 22 year old son who sat by me speechless.I cried out to the Lord immediately this living God who had never failed me ever.
I was surrounded by family and church members within the next 2 hours.These church members filled the rooms around me ,I couldn't feel the temperature I couldn't feel anything I was numb. I knew these people were here because they loved me but they were the ones that seemed to be taking my breath away.
I couldn't get to my family and so desperately needed to.
The doctor came into the room and said she needed to operate to remove the bone to allow His brain to swell and even then he might die.I had to decide his fate in seconds would i make the right choice or would i ever see him again? would I hear his voice?The one I heard every morning reading to me from the bible and praying with me every morning?
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